yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
How's work?
Spinning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
