i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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