i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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