It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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