I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
