I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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