drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize