So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
