guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
