Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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