I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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