remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
