The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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