[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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