haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
