I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
