just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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