you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
