What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
