Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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