Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
