Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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