I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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