I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Randomize
