Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
