Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I want you more than these girls want KFC
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
