Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
