operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We had to coat check the pizza.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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