theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
