Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
