If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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