my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
