She is in my trunk
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
