im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
