well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
