Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
