I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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