I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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