the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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