Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
