hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
