the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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