You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
