you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Randomize
