Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
