I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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