Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's the barista slut.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
