My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
