My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
