I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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