also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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