just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
