I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
