Can i not drive my cunt home
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
