um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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