It's official drugs can't kill me
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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