god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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