Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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