two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
