I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize