I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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