Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
