just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
