im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
